This is a phrase I have heard nearly unceasingly for five years now, from my now-ex. Most recently in an email, as “I’m sorry you think …”
I responded that yes, I know he’s sorry I think the way I do. I didn’t add that I’m sorry he thinks the way he does, too – but I am. I wish we thought more similarly about a lot of things, but if we did we’d still be together.
What interests me are the motivations in “I’m sorry.” Throughout my relationships, his I’m sorries are usually “I’m sorry you’re treating me this way,” not “I’m sorry I hurt you and made you angry. What can I do to make this better?”
Mine were usually “I’m sorry I lost my temper and said what I think in a way you find unacceptable.”
What am I sorry for now? That I hurt him. That I somehow drove him away. That I didn’t let go long ago. That the love I had for him, that took my breath away, wasn’t enough. That we won’t grow old together happily. That we didn’t talk in more depth, while we had the chance, about what made us sad and sorry.
“Don’t play hide-the-bimbo with me, Dan,” Erica typed to her husband. “All your tells are showing lately. You’re not fooling me.”
She hit send and closed the laptop gently. That would keep him quiet for at least half a day, maybe up to two days.
So I’m mistress of my own domain now in the physical realm, and I figured I’d go ahead and blog about it since I need to write anyway. The above is a note for a possible fiction effort; on this blog you’ll find [some] of the true story behind it. Names changed to protect the guilty, because my karma at least doesn’t need the drama.
We met in December ’95, married a few years later, and officially established separate residences June 15. I originally wanted to call this blog “true minds” – yes, that was taken – because my I’d-get-it-tattooed mantra for the longest time was from Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116: “Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.” But I did, and so did he, and it’s gone now. How did that happen? How did the no-shit love of my life become … my ex?
I’m trying to figure it out. Stay tuned if you’re interested.